She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
