LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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