i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
