yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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