it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
