I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
