Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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