How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
