She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
