I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
