I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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