i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
