also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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