My room smells like vodka and shame
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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