I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
