I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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