If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
