Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
