highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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