He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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