Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
