I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
