PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
