sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
