I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize