We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
