You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
he high fived his dick after we had sex
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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