I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
