Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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