shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
