It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
