the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
