I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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