Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
