Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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