Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
