I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
