We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
