I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
