My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
