I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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