i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
