I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
