So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
