Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
