i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
