i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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