i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Randomize
