so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
