hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
