Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
