Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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