I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
