Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
