I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
